Why does abuse happen?
Abuse doesn't just happen. Rather than being about loss of control, most of the time it's about you trying to be in control.
Think about the times when you abused your partner and if you are honest to
yourself you will be able to work out what was really going on.
You might have wanted to:
· Stop her doing something
· Shut her up
· Punish her for doing something you didn't like
· Punish her for hurting your feelings
· Show her who's boss
· Win the argument
· Get your own way
This is what we mean when we say that domestic violence is about power and
control. Whenever you're trying to make her do something you're trying to
control her.
What stopped you killing her?
If you were really out of control anything could have happened. Actually you
are much more in control than you might think.
Remember:
Anger is a symptom of abuse, not its cause
If you find that alcohol makes you more abusive then you have two choices to
make: one to stop drinking and another one to stop being abusive. An abusive
man who abuses alcohol does not have a problem; he has two problems
If you have other problems that you think contribute to your abuse - like
stress, depression or bad health - you may have to deal with them separately.
However, by dealing with those problems it doesn't mean that you have dealt
with your abuse
Your violence is a decision. It's a choice that you have made from the many
different options open to you and you can choose differently
If you want to move away from a relationship based on power and control to one
based on intimacy and respect, you must stop blaming your partner for your
behaviour
If you want to build a loving relationship, not one based on fear, you need to
make changes
Just because you've been violent in the past doesn't mean you have to be
violent again.
