How to tell if he's not changing
Adapted from Women Against Domestic Violence
He continues to be violent in any way
He threatens and tries to intimidate you. This will often include threats to attack family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out a contract on you." Threats that he will take the children away or get custody of them himself, or threats to kill himself
He badmouths you to the children / others
He says "I can't change unless you do" This means that he's trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for him not abusing you
He tries to get sympathy from you, family members, and friends
He is still lying to you, the children, your family or other people about
what he's done
He won't acknowledge that it was wrong. He doesn't seem sorry that he did it,
he only seems sorry that he has suffered some consequences for it
He refuses to let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry when it does. He won't discuss his controlling behaviours and attitudes.
He still tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it
He plays victim. He says "How could you do this to me.?" He still whines and blames you
for all the problems
He is overly charming, always trying to remind you of all the good times you
had together and ignore the bad. He tries to buy you back with romantic gifts,
dinners, flowers. All while trying to convince you that you need to stay
together to work it out
He will not get help or says he'll get counselling or other help, but never
does
He does get help and then tries to convince you that he's cured and you need to take him back now
He might suddenly claim to have found God; he goes to church a few times
He cries and begs, particularly in a public situation so that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold hearted''
He does things to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own
He harasses or stalks you. If you ask him for space or time, he refuses to
allow you to have any and continues to make contact in any way he can.
Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at work,
hanging around family.
He continues to restrict your rights. He still behaves as if he's superior.
You aren't able to express yourself and speak freely
He still demands constant attention, won't allow you to take care of your own
needs
He still picks at you and criticizes you, and ignores your strengths and
contributions to the relationship
He doesn't support your independence, still refuses to acknowledge that you have rights
He puts his wants and needs above yours
He doesn't recognize the damage he's done. He gets angry with you over the consequences you've suffered over his abuse
He's mad or seems confused as to why you fear him, don't trust him, are hurt, and angry
He tries to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something's wrong with you
He's mad that you left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so
He still acts like you owe him
He's impatient or critical with you for not forgiving him immediately, for
not being satisfied with the changes he may have already made, especially if he
hasn't made the changes you requested, or hasn't changed but claims he has
He's only concerned with how hard the situation is for him, and no one else.
He feels sorry for himself
He doesn't show appropriate concern for how you and the children feel about
what he's done. Abuse does more than just hurt, it is damaging, and if he
doesn't show appropriate concern for the damage he's done, then he hasn't
changed
He says he can only change if you help him, he wants emotional support and
forgiveness
He says "I'm changing" but you can see that he's not. He gets angry
with you for not realizing how much he's changed. He gets angry for not
trusting that he's changed for good. Abusive men often say I'm sorry then get
mad if you don't immediately forget what they did, he thinks his sorry resolves
the matter and it should be dropped and you should just move forward
He pressures you into taking him back
