Facing up to what you've done
Most people get into relationships because they care for their partner. You may not intend hurting her, but you are. You may be feeling bad about how you've behaved - ashamed or guilty. It can be hard to face up to what you've done and how it's affected her.
Why do people not take responsibility?
You might find yourself minimising things, pretending things aren't that bad. When you do this you're not taking responsibility for your actions, because:
- It makes you feel better in the short term - if you're not responsible for
your violence, then you don't have to feel bad about it
It means that you don't have to do anything about it - if you're not the one responsible for the violence, then there's no point looking at your own behaviour and attitudes or trying to change them
It means you can't stop your violence - if you aren't responsible for it, then there's nothing you can do to prevent it happening again
Blaming your partner
Have you ever found yourself saying:
"She makes me angry"
"She knows how to upset me, and she does it on purpose."
"She knows what I'm like."
"She never believes me."
"She nags me."
"She never listens to me."
"She's abusive to me."
"I was trying to get away but she wouldn't let me leave."
"She gets hysterical."
"She's a bad mother."
It's very tempting to try and deny responsibility for your behaviour by blaming
your partner.
It's easy to spot when you are blaming your partner:
· You want to talk about your partner's behaviour rather than about what you
did
· You think, "If only she would do / not do something, I wouldn't be
abusive"
· You feel that she needs to change in order for you to stop your violence
One of the first steps to ending abuse is to take full responsibility for your
behaviour. You need to recognise that it's up to you what you do and how you
behave, and to stop blaming your partner.
Next time you notice yourself blaming your partner try this:
Focus on your behaviour
Think about your partner's feelings
Remind yourself that you are in control of what you do
Other things to blame
There are many other ways in which you can wriggle out of responsibility for
your behaviour by saying that the reason for it was some kind of outside
influence. For example:
· Work problems
· Money worries
· Children
· Things that happened to you when you were a child
But none of these things cause you to be violent. Plenty of people experience
these things without using violence. Think of a time that you've been stressed
about work, or the kids or money when you weren't abusive. These things don't
cause violence or abuse, but they may be something you argue about a lot and
feel very linked to your abuse. See the section on warning signs to help you
cope better with difficult arguments.
Drink/drugs
Alcohol and drugs don't cause abuse, but they can make it worse. Many people
use drugs and alcohol and never become violent or abusive. If you find that
when you drink you become more abusive and you still do it - then you're making
a choice to be abusive. You are still responsible for your behaviour even if
you are drunk or high.
Studies have also shown that when people are drunk or high their violence might
become worse; that is more severe or frequent. When you are drunk or high it
can be more difficult to stop yourself or limit your behaviour. These means you
may cause more damage than you intended to your partner or family. Remember
that :
· You may harm your partner or family more than you intended when you have been
drinking alcohol or using drugs.
· Most people can choose how much and where to use drugs or alcohol. If you
must use try cutting down gradually and drink or use away from your family.
This may mean staying at a mates place after the pub or sobering up before
going home.
· Being out of it is not an excuse. You are still responsible for your own
behaviour, drunk, high or sober.
Momentary insanity
When you're struggling to understand your violence, you may be tempted to
believe that some strange force came over you and that you had what we might
call momentary insanity. Have you ever said to yourself:
"I lost control."
"I just flipped."
"I saw red."
The human pressure cooker
Often you may want to say that such pressure had built up inside you that it
was too late to make any other choice than to be violent. You might then say
something like:
"I just exploded."
"I just blew."
But think about it. Most of the time your violence isn't random, but
specifically directed towards your partner. You don't 'explode' randomly at passers-by
when you feel bad, nor do you 'see red' and hit just anyone who happens to be
near.
If you believe that you're overwhelmed by these strange forces that cause you
to be violent, you won't be able to stop. It's one of the ways of avoiding
understanding what your violence is about. In reality you could make different
choices. If you're honest with yourself you can probably see that you choose to
control lots of things:
· Where to hit her
· How hard and how long for
· Who in front of
· When to stop
· What kind of violence - why a slap and not a punch? Why punch her, not
strangle or stab her?
Choose to stop!
